The pivotal point for me, when I finally realized that Sri Chinmoy was not the Avatar or spiritual person I had believed him to be, happened a few weeks after I left the Center permanently for my own personal reasons. One day, I was talking with an old friend about a long phone call I had with Sri Chinmoy, shortly before leaving, and all of the sudden, the pieces started to fall into place.

In that phone conversation, Sri Chinmoy had told me himself about the circumstances surrounding his arrival in the West. This story was very different from what I had previously heard, about an inner command from the Supreme to spread His message to aspiring humanity in the West. Sri Chinmoy had told me, simply, that he had been a disciple like me, (who had lost faith) and was discontent with life at the Ashram. Once he arrived here, he had a low paying job at the Permanent Mission of India to the United Nations and he wasn’t able to meet his obligations and feed himself. He had maintained his interest in Meditation, poetry and music from the Ashram. Moreover, he recalled that the Mother of the Ashram had so many rich disciples. So, with the help of Alo Devi, he started the Center.

My friend, who had worked at Sri Chinmoy’s house for many years, had other pieces of the puzzle. She knew that Sri Chinmoy had been a clerk in the Ashram, responsible for bank deposits, thus, had detailed knowledge of the financial workings of the Ashram. She also recounted stories of how, early on, Sri Chinmoy used to practice his meditation poses in front of a mirror, not something an Avatar should need to do.

I also used to wonder at Sri Chinmoy’s ability to see and communicate with “beings“ or „souls“, such as great musicians like Schubert, from other “worlds”. However, I had since learned of one recent incident at “Guru’s” which house revealed to me that Sri Chinmoy does contradict himself in regards to his encounters with “beings”. It is printed in one of Sri Chinmoy’s books that he stated that he saw “beings” on the moon during the televised version of the moon landing. At the time of his statement he felt he could clearly see the “beings” on the moon’s surface while the astronauts where there. Later, during the past year, Sri Chinmoy saw a documentary on FOX TV about the moon landing, which revealed evidence, indicating that the moon landing video was fabricated. Sri Chinmoy immediately agreed that the tape was indeed fabricated and not real, that the entire moon landing was a hoax. When questioned about this, Sri Chinmoy said that his story, almost a page long, was a miss-print. He stated that he, in fact, never said anything about seeing any “moon beings” on the moon. Someone must have been mistaken…

Then there was the treatment, during the past few years, of some women who had suffered terribly with physical ailments, which could easily have been diagnosed by proper medical doctors. One woman had tried to walk on a broken hip for almost a year and the other had died of a rare liver disease. Both had followed the advice of Sri Chinmoy not to seek outside medical attention. These women honestly felt that their “Guru” would somehow take care of their medical conditions on the “inner plane”.

In talking to my friend, after leaving the center, we also discussed Sri Chinmoy’s obvious egotistical gratification thru the media hype and receiving awards. At the time I had imagined that this need for media attention was for a higher purpose. I now see it as being only self-glorification. Finally, the most undeniable proof was my own knowledge of the sexual affairs, which Sri Chinmoy has continued to have since the start of the Center, with many different partners, some of them married. The manipulative way that Sri Chinmoy carries on with his sexuality, while asking his disciples to remain celibate, is highly unethical, needless to say, not what should be expected of a God-realized spiritual master. Now I have learned that he always asks his sexual partners to have abortions if they became pregnant and that he has never been known to practice safe sex. I also know that there are cases where, as he also does not want married couples to have children, he has also asked a disciple couple to have an abortion when a pregnancy occurred. Even though the wife did not want to have an abortion, she did it anyway, because this is what Sri Chinmoy requested. I could not help asking myself if this can truly be the behavior of a holy person.

My own personal experience with Sri Chinmoy was that, after having lived as a celibate, barely even looking at other men in the eyes for 10 years I was finally feeling that I was able to transmute or transcend my sexual energies, into joy. Then, there came a point, in the fall of 1991, when I was also getting in shape and exercising a lot. Out of the blue, Sri Chimoy invited me to join a group trip out of New York for a peace concert he was giving near San Francisco. He even offered to pay for me when I said I didn’t have the money. After the concert, Garima, a leader in the California area, approached me and said that Sri Chimoy wanted me to go to his room, she gave me a piece of paper with the room number.

After going to my room to tidy up, I nervously went to the room. I was thinking that I had been invited to a special private party or function, I never dreamed that it was for sex. After a short interview about my previous sexual experiences, Sri Chinmoy said that I should surrender my vital (sexual) energy to him. I folded my hands, looked him in the eyes and offered him my joy but he indicated that this wasn’t enough, so I said „Supreme I bow to thee“ a few times. He stood up and had me embrace him, I hugged him, feeling very warm and loving, not aroused. Then he indicated that I should take off my clothes. I was shocked!! However, prior to being in the Center, I had been open-minded about sex so I was happy, not angry. Plus, after 10 years of adoration, I could not even consider displeasing or disobeying him in a seemingly compassionate request.

So I took off my Sari and everything else and he removed his dhoti. Then he sat in a chair in his underwear and motioned me to come towards him. I knelt between his legs and embraced him again. He said „touch me“ I found his member under his underwear and started rubbing it gently, he pulled them down and motioned me to continue. I felt an erection, then, I felt his hand pressing my head down between his legs. In my nervousness, it struck me as silly. I almost wanted to laugh – here was my beloved Guru, whom I had never dreamed of having sex with, wanting a blow job! It was like a surreal dream. After a few minutes, he motioned for me to move back and he asked me which way I liked best, on top or underneath. I couldn’t believe it, he still barely seemed to have an erection. I said I liked to be underneath and he pushed me backwards onto the floor. I had to help him insert his penis, which was only partially erect and quite small and he started pushing it into me. After a few more minutes, I felt a small squirt and then he abruptly got up. Afterward, as I was dressing, he said to me that he was very pleased with me and very proud of me and that I must never tell anyone. He said that I was specially chosen, that this was not sex but that this was his life breath he was giving me. He also mentioned that if anything happened, i.e., pregnancy, I should not even tell him but go immediately to a clinic for an abortion. Then he went and got an envelope from a drawer and gave me 15 clean, new $100 bills, enough to pay for my flight and much more.

Having spent the last 10 years worshiping Sri Chinmoy as a God, I didn’t question all this. I accepted what was happening even though, after this experience, I had nagging doubts about Sri Chinmoy and it became a constant mental battle to justify his behavior. Although I felt the sex was unnatural, mechanical and not what I would have expected with a realized soul, I satisfied myself by thinking that this was his human side and perhaps I was not as receptive as I should be because of being too nervous. As time went by, I started looking around and noticed, by their behavior, that many other women were sexually involved with him.

During the months after the first encounter, Sri Chinmoy called me over to his house several times. The calls all came late at night and he frequently used one of his assistants to make contact. Then the calls suddenly stopped. I felt very alone, I had a secret I couldn’t share and nagging doubts. It was only much later that I realized that this was part of a much bigger pattern. I never had the illusion that I was the only woman Sri Chinmoy was involved with, but I don’t think I could have imagined the scope of his activities. I finally broke down and confided to a close friend who I thought would already know. She did know because, in the very early years there had been a married woman Suparna, who had told this friend everything about her relationship with Sri Chinmoy. Not only that but the two of them had watched the comings and goings of other women from the attic window of „S’s“ house, which was just across the street from Sri Chinmoy’s at that time.

After several months had elapsed without a call from Sri Chinmoy, I was depressed and I felt that if I got involved with another man, I would come out of it. I also didn’t want to put emotional pressure on Sri Chinmoy. So, with my friend’s help, I made contact with one of the men in the Center. This worked out very well, we saw each other secretly for several months. We ended up falling for each other and we were discovered.

Sri Chinmoy didn’t make us leave the Center at that time, but circumstances eventually led to our leaving on our own about a year later, in the fall of 1993. Althouth I was out of the Center for a few years, I hadn’t moved on in my beliefs. My partner also hadn’t moved on, he wanted to return to the Center. During this period I told my partner about my secret activities with Sri Chinmoy. However, he didn’t act surprised – and over the course of time he hinted that he too was involved, not only with Sri Chinmoy, but that Sri Chinmoy had directed him to be involved with other people. The time came when my partner begged to be allowed to return to the Center. He was accepted, but it was on the condition that we separate and that I also return. I had misgivings, but I returned.

Over the next several years I became aware that there were many women involved with Sri Chinmoy and there were signs that he was also having relations with men. The first time that I was called for sex after my return, I was asked by Sri Chinmoy to first write him a letter, I wrote something very devotional, but it wasn’t what he wanted, he said I had to put details about my desire for him and explain sexual things that I had done together with my partner while I was out of the Center. After that, Sri Chinmoy called me for sex once or twice a year in New York and usually once during the Christmas trip.

Then, a few years ago I got a special call from Sri Chinmoy, he wanted to introduce me to a new way to have relations – with women (but of course it wouldn’t be homosexuality). He had me come over to his house together with another woman. The first time, we had sex together downstairs, in the basement, while he waited in another room upstairs. Then the other woman went upstairs and Sri Chinmoy came and had sex with me. He told me that I must never talk to anyone about these trysts or relations, as he called it and that I must act as if I had never been intimate with him. At other times, we had sex on the floor while he sat on a chair and watched. I also started seeing the same woman on a regular schedule, once a month, at her home. This is something I am not proud of because I really wasn’t too comfortable with her and although I felt some loving, sisterly feelings, the sex seemed mechanical and unnatural for me. I had to force myself to be into it. In addition, I had acquired cold sores from her. This was very embarrassing but it also made me realize that these activities were not limited to a small, select group. I started to notice that many of the women, as well as the men in the Center were sporting cold sores.

The first woman started calling me less frequently and Sri Chinmoy arranged for me to be with another woman, this one I saw once a week. Even though we were intimate, Sri Chinmoy told me that I must act as if it was my first time with a woman and that we should never discuss about our other sexual experiences. The second woman was really fun to be with and I enjoyed it. However, I didn’t want to change my identity and I was starting to feel that I would lose it. The relationship with the second woman started to slow down and Sri Chinmoy asked me to select my next partner. I couldn’t let myself do this, I didn’t want to think of women that way. I wanted to have sex with men and I told this to Sri Chinmoy but he said that it was not possible because I would fall in love, so a new woman was selected for me.

The problem here was that I didn’t like the last woman and I felt that she was an egotistical show-off. She acted like she was trying to compete with other prominent disciples for Sri Chinmoy’s attention at meetings, which included drawing attention to our friendship in public. This was embarrassing for me because I felt exposed and I disliked the influence that this woman was bringing into my life. At the same time, I felt that I was compelled to please Sri Chinmoy and to continue to be with her. I couldn’t see why Sri Chinmoy would give this woman so much attention and have her so near to him when she didn’t seem to have very much spiritual depth. What she did have was money, she was giving Sri Chinmoy a lot of her money and she was very sexual in her attitude toward Sri Chinmoy.

It was at the same time while I was just starting my relationship with the last woman that I happened to have a mammogram that turned out to be positive. There was a lump that in my breast that looked suspect and I needed to have a biopsy. I felt calm, as I waited for the results, I didn’t really think it would turn out to be anything, my mother also has cystic breasts. However, when the disciple nurse gave me the news, she was acting as if it was a miracle. Other close disciples of Sri Chinmoy also indicated to me that it was a miracle, apparently Sri Chinmoy was claiming to have saved my life.

After the mammogram incident, I was becoming disillusioned with the Center and also coming to the realization that I wanted to have a real, loving, male partner and children. So it finally dawned on me that I would have to again leave the Center, this time for good. Of course, from my point of view, the risks were very great. I thought that I would possibly be leaving behind all the inner light that I had worked toward for 20 years. My very relationship with God might be compromised or maybe bad things would happen to me as Sri Chinmoy had drummed into my head for so many years.

Now that I have not only left the Center permanently but I am also truly moving on from my beliefs about Sri Chinmoy, I feel a tremendous sense of freedom. I realize that life outside the Center is bright and fulfilling and that now my inner light is blossoming. Looking back, I see that because I did not believe in myself, I gave Sri Chinmoy the credit for what I was finding in my own inner search for God. Also, I have come to the realization that I let him lie to me and manipulate me because of my own desire to be a good person, an aspiring person, an unconditionally loving person and an enlightened person. However, the entire time, the desire for light itself was drawing the light into me as well as bringing me into the light. I now have the faith that my life will continue not only in light but also in truth, not being a slave to the will of a false master. Moreover, I am happy in my being more than ever before and I know that my life will be happy and fulfilling.