Oft wird in der ganzen Stadt gepostert und Menschen werden zu gratis Meditationsvorträge und Kurse eingeladen. Meistens steht auf den Postern nichts über Sri Chinmoy drauf sondern das Plakat scheint zunächst ganz harmlos. Aber während des Kurses werden Menschen sehr leicht beeinflusst und manipuliert ohne dass sie es merken. Am Ende landen viele in einer Gruppe zu der sie vorher nie gegangen wären.
In den Kursen wird die Denkweise der Menschen manipuliert so dass sie eine Einstellung bekommen die nicht ihre ist. Langsam wächst man in die Gruppe hinein und bevor es einem bewusst ist, ist man abhängig. Die meisten kommen da nie mehr raus weil es ihnen gar nicht bewusst ist dass sie in einer Sekte gelandet sind. Sie denken dass sie am richtigen Weg sind, einen erleuchteten Meister haben und glauben sich auf dem Weg der Gottverwirklichung zu befinden. Wenn sie wüssten und es glauben könnten wie Chinmoy hinter ihren Rücken lebt, dass er Sex hat (obwohl er es öffentlich ablehnt), Fleisch isst (obwohl er es seinen Schülern verbietet),seine Schüler anlügt und betrügt, dann würden sie sicher nicht mehr seine Schüler bleiben. Das Problem ist sie werden es nicht glauben wenn sie es hören. Und auch wenn sie raus wollen aus dem Center ist es für viele kaum mehr möglich weil sie ohne Center fast nicht mehr existieren können.
Für Außenstehende die ,die Chinmoy-Bewegung nicht kennen möchte ich jetzt erzählen wie es dort zugeht. Es gibt viele Regeln die nicht alle auf einmal gesagt werden sondern die einem vorsichtig und meist indirekt nahe gelegen werden:
- kein Sex, so wenig Kontakt wie möglich zum anderen Geschlecht (man darf nicht einmal mit dem anderen Geschlecht etwas unternehmen, auch wenn mehrere dabei sind und man darf nicht einmal mit dem anderen Geschlecht alleine im Auto fahren und beim Reden muss man sich auch kurz halten).Sogar der Kontakt zu Verwandten des anderen Geschlechts wird nicht gerne gesehen.
- kein Alkohol, keine Zigaretten, keine Drogen
- man muss sich vegetarisch ernähren
- Kontakt zu Exmitgliedern ist absolut verboten
- man darf nicht ins Kino gehen
- wenn man von anderen Mitglieder (disciples) weiß dass sie gegen eine Regel verstoßen, muss es beim Centerleiter (das wird dann zu Chinmoy weitergeleitet) gemeldet werden
- wenn man gegen eine dieser Regeln verstösst wird man von der Gruppe ausgeschlossen.
- Weiters wird der Tagesablauf bestimmt:
– um 6.00 in der Früh aufstehen und mind. eine halbe Stunde lang meditieren
– täglich müssen gewisse Gebete und Lieder von Chinmoy gesungen werden
– täglich mind. eine halbe Stunde lang lesen
– täglich mind. eine halbe Stunde lang Laufen
– täglich “selfless service” (selbstlosen Dienst, also irgendwo mithelfen/gratis arbeiten)
- es wird einem immer wieder nahegelegt postern zu gehen (Werbeplakate der Gruppe aufzuhängen), an Kurse teilzunehmen
- wenn man ein Haus verlässt und wieder zurückkommt sowie vor dem abfahren mit dem Auto und beim ankommen müssen sie mindestens eine Minute lang meditieren.
- Dann werden einem noch viele Dinge nahegelegt, man kann sie auch als Regeln bezeichnen obwohl sie offiziell nicht als Regeln gelten:
- alles was Guru sagt dem muss man gehorchen ohne zu zweifeln
- man darf sich im Leben nur mehr mit spirituellen Dingen beschäftigen, hauptsächlich mit Dingen aus der Gruppe.
- man sollte zu Menschen außerhalb der Gruppe den Kontakt meiden, vor allem zu denen die der Gruppe gegenüber negativ eingestellt sind.
- es wird einem außerdem sehr nahe gelegt in einem “Madal Bal” zu arbeiten (das sind Geschäfte die von Mitgliedern betrieben werden, wo nur Mitglieder arbeiten dürfen)
- es wird einem auch sehr nahe gelegt mit einem 2. Mitglied (natürlich vom gleichen Geschlecht) zusammenzuziehen
- außerdem werden immer wieder für alle möglichen Dinge Spenden verlang. Dem Mitglied ist nicht bewusst dass sich Chinmoy an den Spenden bereichert. Er zahlt viel zu hohe Preise für Bücher, Bilder und weitere Dinge von Chinmoy.
Im schlimmsten Fall gibt ein Mensch sein ganzes Leben, alle seine Träume für Chinmoy auf weil er denkt er führt ihn zur Gottverwirklichung. Dann kommt er nach Jahren drauf dass Chinmoy gar nicht der ist für den er ihn hält und möchte die Gruppe verlassen.
Aber was macht er? Er wohnt mit einem anderen Mitglied zusammen, arbeitet im Sewa (Madal Bal), hat keine gute Beziehung zu seiner Familie und keine anderen Kontakte mehr zu anderen Menschen außerhalb der Gruppe.
Seine ganze Einstellung bricht zusammen und er weiß nicht mehr woran er glauben soll, an was er sich halten kann.
Wenn er von der Gruppe aussteigt steht er da ohne Wohnung (weil er dann ausziehen müsste), ohne Job (weil er als Ex-Mitglied dort nicht mehr arbeiten darf),ohne Freunde (weil seine einzigen Freunde aus der Gruppe dann keinen Kontakt mehr zu ihm haben dürfen), ohne Sinn im Leben (weil er für die meisten Träume die er damals im Leben hatte schon zu alt geworden ist) – ganz alleine ohne Ziel und ohne etwas woran er sich orientieren könnte.
Ann Carlton über ihre sexuellen Beziehungen mit und rund um Sri Chinmoy
The pivotal point for me, when I finally realized that Sri Chinmoy was not the Avatar or spiritual person I had believed him to be, happened a few weeks after I left the Center permanently for my own personal reasons. One day, I was talking with an old friend about a long phone call I had with Sri Chinmoy, shortly before leaving, and all of the sudden, the pieces started to fall into place.
In that phone conversation, Sri Chinmoy had told me himself about the circumstances surrounding his arrival in the West. This story was very different from what I had previously heard, about an inner command from the Supreme to spread His message to aspiring humanity in the West. Sri Chinmoy had told me, simply, that he had been a disciple like me, (who had lost faith) and was discontent with life at the Ashram. Once he arrived here, he had a low paying job at the Permanent Mission of India to the United Nations and he wasn’t able to meet his obligations and feed himself. He had maintained his interest in Meditation, poetry and music from the Ashram. Moreover, he recalled that the Mother of the Ashram had so many rich disciples. So, with the help of Alo Devi, he started the Center.
My friend, who had worked at Sri Chinmoy’s house for many years, had other pieces of the puzzle. She knew that Sri Chinmoy had been a clerk in the Ashram, responsible for bank deposits, thus, had detailed knowledge of the financial workings of the Ashram. She also recounted stories of how, early on, Sri Chinmoy used to practice his meditation poses in front of a mirror, not something an Avatar should need to do.
I also used to wonder at Sri Chinmoy’s ability to see and communicate with “beings” or “souls”, such as great musicians like Schubert, from other “worlds”. However, I had since learned of one recent incident at “Guru’s” which house revealed to me that Sri Chinmoy does contradict himself in regards to his encounters with “beings”. It is printed in one of Sri Chinmoy’s books that he stated that he saw “beings” on the moon during the televised version of the moon landing. At the time of his statement he felt he could clearly see the “beings” on the moon’s surface while the astronauts where there. Later, during the past year, Sri Chinmoy saw a documentary on FOX TV about the moon landing, which revealed evidence, indicating that the moon landing video was fabricated. Sri Chinmoy immediately agreed that the tape was indeed fabricated and not real, that the entire moon landing was a hoax. When questioned about this, Sri Chinmoy said that his story, almost a page long, was a miss-print. He stated that he, in fact, never said anything about seeing any “moon beings” on the moon. Someone must have been mistaken…
Then there was the treatment, during the past few years, of some women who had suffered terribly with physical ailments, which could easily have been diagnosed by proper medical doctors. One woman had tried to walk on a broken hip for almost a year and the other had died of a rare liver disease. Both had followed the advice of Sri Chinmoy not to seek outside medical attention. These women honestly felt that their “Guru” would somehow take care of their medical conditions on the “inner plane”.
In talking to my friend, after leaving the center, we also discussed Sri Chinmoy’s obvious egotistical gratification thru the media hype and receiving awards. At the time I had imagined that this need for media attention was for a higher purpose. I now see it as being only self-glorification. Finally, the most undeniable proof was my own knowledge of the sexual affairs, which Sri Chinmoy has continued to have since the start of the Center, with many different partners, some of them married. The manipulative way that Sri Chinmoy carries on with his sexuality, while asking his disciples to remain celibate, is highly unethical, needless to say, not what should be expected of a God-realized spiritual master. Now I have learned that he always asks his sexual partners to have abortions if they became pregnant and that he has never been known to practice safe sex. I also know that there are cases where, as he also does not want married couples to have children, he has also asked a disciple couple to have an abortion when a pregnancy occurred. Even though the wife did not want to have an abortion, she did it anyway, because this is what Sri Chinmoy requested. I could not help asking myself if this can truly be the behavior of a holy person.
My own personal experience with Sri Chinmoy was that, after having lived as a celibate, barely even looking at other men in the eyes for 10 years I was finally feeling that I was able to transmute or transcend my sexual energies, into joy. Then, there came a point, in the fall of 1991, when I was also getting in shape and exercising a lot. Out of the blue, Sri Chimoy invited me to join a group trip out of New York for a peace concert he was giving near San Francisco. He even offered to pay for me when I said I didn’t have the money. After the concert, Garima, a leader in the California area, approached me and said that Sri Chimoy wanted me to go to his room, she gave me a piece of paper with the room number.
After going to my room to tidy up, I nervously went to the room. I was thinking that I had been invited to a special private party or function, I never dreamed that it was for sex. After a short interview about my previous sexual experiences, Sri Chinmoy said that I should surrender my vital (sexual) energy to him. I folded my hands, looked him in the eyes and offered him my joy but he indicated that this wasn’t enough, so I said “Supreme I bow to thee” a few times. He stood up and had me embrace him, I hugged him, feeling very warm and loving, not aroused. Then he indicated that I should take off my clothes. I was shocked!! However, prior to being in the Center, I had been open-minded about sex so I was happy, not angry. Plus, after 10 years of adoration, I could not even consider displeasing or disobeying him in a seemingly compassionate request.
So I took off my Sari and everything else and he removed his dhoti. Then he sat in a chair in his underwear and motioned me to come towards him. I knelt between his legs and embraced him again. He said “touch me” I found his member under his underwear and started rubbing it gently, he pulled them down and motioned me to continue. I felt an erection, then, I felt his hand pressing my head down between his legs. In my nervousness, it struck me as silly. I almost wanted to laugh – here was my beloved Guru, who I had never dreamed of having sex with, wanting a blow job! It was like a surreal dream. After a few minutes, he motioned for me to move back and he asked me which way I liked best, on top or underneath. I couldn’t believe it, he still barely seemed to have an erection. I said I liked to be underneath and he pushed me backwards onto the floor. I had to help him insert his penis, which was only partially erect and quite small and he started pushing it into me. After a few more minutes, I felt a small squirt and then he abruptly got up. Afterward, as I was dressing, he said to me that he was very pleased with me and very proud of me and that I must never tell anyone. He said that I was specially chosen, that this was not sex but that this was his life breath he was giving me. He also mentioned that if anything happened, i.e., pregnancy, I should not even tell him but go immediately to a clinic for an abortion. Then he went and got an envelope from a drawer and gave me 15 clean, new $100 bills, enough to pay for my flight and much more.
Having spent the last 10 years worshiping Sri Chinmoy as a God, I didn’t question all this. I accepted what was happening even though, after this experience, I had nagging doubts about Sri Chinmoy and it became a constant mental battle to justify his behavior. Although I felt the sex was unnatural, mechanical and not what I would have expected with a realized soul, I satisfied myself by thinking that this was his human side and
perhaps I was not as receptive as I should be because of being too nervous. As time went by, I started looking around and noticed, by their behavior, that many other women were sexually involved with him.
During the months after the first encounter, Sri Chinmoy called me over to his house several times. The calls all came late at night and he frequently used one of his assistants to make contact.Then the calls suddenly stopped. I felt very alone, I had a secret I couldn’t share and nagging doubts. It was only much later that I realized that this was part of a much bigger pattern. I never had the illusion that I was the only woman Sri Chinmoy was involved with but I don’t think I could have imagined the scope of his activities. I finally broke down and confided to a close friend who I thought would already know. She did know because, in the very
early years there had been a married woman Suparna, who had told this friend everything about her relationship with Sri Chinmoy. Not only that but the two of them had watched the comings and goings of other women from the attic window of “S’s” house, which was just across the street from Sri Chinmoy’s at that time.
After several months had elapsed without a call from Sri Chinmoy, I was depressed and I felt that if I got involved with another man, I would come out of it. I also didn’t want to put emotional pressure on Sri Chinmoy. So, with my friend’s help, I made contact with one of the men in the Center. This worked out very well, we saw each other secretly for several months. We ended up falling for each other and we were discovered.
Sri Chinmoy didn’t make us leave the Center at that time, but circumstances eventually led to our leaving on our own about a year later, in the fall of 1993. Althouth I was out of the Center for a few years, I hadn’t moved on in my beliefs. My partner also hadn’t moved on, he wanted to return to the Center. During this period I told my partner about my secret activities with Sri Chinmoy. However, he didn’t act surprised – and over the course
of time he hinted that he too was involved, not only with Sri Chinmoy but that Sri Chinmoy had directed him to be involved with other people. The time came when my partner begged to be allowed to return to the Center. He
was accepted but it was on the condition that we separate and that I also return. I had misgivings, but I returned.
Over the next several years I became aware that there were many women involved with Sri Chinmoy and there were signs that he was also having relations with men. The first time that I was called for sex after my return, I was asked by Sri Chinmoy to first write him a letter, I wrote something very devotional but it wasn’t what he wanted he said I had to put details about my desire for him and explain sexual things that I had done together with my partner while I was out of the Center. After that, Sri Chinmoy called me for sex once or twice a year in New York and usually once during the Christmas trip.
Then, a few years ago I got a special call from Sri Chinmoy, he wanted to introduce me to a new way to have relations – with women (but of course it wouldn’t be homosexuality). He had me come over to his house together with another woman. The first time, we had sex together downstairs, in the basement, while he waited in another room upstairs. Then the other woman went upstairs and Sri Chinmoy came and had sex with me. He told me that I must never talk to anyone about these trysts or relations, as he called it and that I must act as if I had never been intimate with him. At other times, we had sex on the floor while he sat on a chair and watched. I also started seeing the same woman on a regular schedule, once a month, at her home. This is something I am not proud of because I really wasn’t too comfortable with her and although I felt some loving, sisterly feelings, the sex seemed mechanical and unnatural for me. I had to force myself to be into it. In addition, I had acquired cold sores from her. This was very embarrassing but it also made me realize that these activities were not limited to a small, select group. I started to notice that many of the women, as well as the men in the Center were sporting cold sores.
The first woman started calling me less frequently and Sri Chinmoy arranged for me to be with another woman, this one I saw once a week. Even though we were intimate, Sri Chinmoy told me that I must act as if it was my first time with a woman and that we should never discuss about our other sexual experiences. The second woman was really fun to be with and I enjoyed it. However, I didn’t want to change my identity and I was starting to feel that I would lose it. The relationship with the second woman started to slow down and Sri Chinmoy asked me to select my next partner. I couldn’t let myself do this, I didn’t want to think of women that way. I wanted to have sex with men and I told this to Sri Chinmoy but he said that it was not possible because I would fall in love, so a new woman was selected for me.
The problem here was that I didn’t like the last woman and I felt that she was an egotistical show-off. She acted like she was trying to compete with other prominent disciples for Sri Chinmoy’s attention at meetings, which included drawing attention to our friendship in public. This was embarrassing for me because I felt exposed and I disliked the influence that this woman was bringing into my life. At the same time, I felt that I was compelled to please Sri Chinmoy and to continue to be with her. I couldn’t see why Sri Chinmoy would give this woman so much attention and have her so near to him when she didn’t seem to have very much spiritual depth. What she did have was money, she was giving Sri Chinmoy a lot of her money and she was very sexual in her attitude toward Sri Chinmoy.
It was at the same time while I was just starting my relationship with the last woman that I happened to have a mammogram that turned out to be positive. There was a lump that in my breast that looked suspect and I needed to have a biopsy. I felt calm, as I waited for the results, I didn’t really think it would turn out to be anything, my mother also has cystic breasts. However, when the disciple nurse gave me the news, she was acting as if it was a miracle. Other close disciples of Sri Chinmoy also indicated to me that it was a miracle, apparently Sri Chinmoy was claiming to have saved my life.
After the mammogram incident, I was becoming disillusioned with the Center and also coming to the realization that I wanted to have a real, loving, male partner and children. So it finally dawned on me that I would have to again leave the Center, this time for good. Of course, from my point of view, the risks were very great. I thought that I would possibly be leaving behind all the inner light that I had worked toward for 20 years. My very relationship with God might be compromised or maybe bad things would happen to me as Sri Chinmoy had drummed into my head for so many years.
Now that I have not only left the Center permanently but I am also truly moving on from my beliefs about Sri Chinmoy, I feel a tremendous sense of freedom. I realize that life outside the Center is bright and fulfilling and that now my inner light is blossoming. Looking back, I see that because I did not believe in myself, I gave Sri Chinmoy the credit for what I was finding in my own inner search for God. Also, I have come to the realization that I let him lie to me and manipulate me because of my own desire to be a good person, an aspiring person, an unconditionally loving person and an enlightened person. However, the entire time, the desire for light itself was drawing the light into me as well as bringing me into the light. I now have the faith that my life will continue not only in light but also in truth, not being a slave to the will of a false master. Moreover, I am happy in my being more than ever before and I know that my life will be happy and fulfilling.
Erfahrungsbericht der früheren Leiterin des Sri Chinmoy-Centers in San Francisco
I joined the center in 1971 and became the leader of the San Francisco Center, along with my husband (now ex-husband). I had never known such bliss—I was part of a spiritual family that offered unconditional love from a guru. The first two years were heaven as I moved quickly into the guru’s coveted inner circle.
In 1973, Ghose (as I now call the guru) embarked on a 50-state lecture tour. I was in charge of organizing lectures in several western states. As the organizer, I was invited to secretly travel alone with Ghose to tend to his needs in Alaska. I accompanied him with disbelieve that I would be allowed to carry his personal things, hold his coat during his talk, and unpack and pack his suitcase in the hotel.
After the talk at the university, Ghose and I took a cab back to the hotel where we had separate rooms. He invited me into his room. I sat with my hands folded, cross-legged on the floor in front of him as he sat on a soft chair. He started by saying that I was a very advanced soul and that he was very pleased with me. He said he wanted to test the purity of my vital. “Do you have impure thoughts and feelings?” he asked. I told him I sometimes felt pressure in my groin and that I felt guilty about it because I didn’t know where it came from. He said that if I were truly surrendered to him, he could purify me.
He then told me to touch him. I timidly touched his foot with the tip of one of my fingers, afraid that my impurity would cause him great pain (as he always claimed human impurity did). “No, no,” he said.
“Come close and embrace me.” I stood up, walked to his side, bent over, and gently put my arms around him. Without any physical response, he said, “Very good. Now sit down.”
I sat down and he said, “Good girl, take your clothes off.” Immediately I started doubting my guru’s purity, my first serious doubt of my then two-year discipleship. I pushed the doubt away. Maybe I hadn’t heard him correctly. He repeated his command and I knew I’d heard it right. When he saw my hesitation, he said, “You don’t have to do this. If you don’t want to, I will never ask you again. This is my gift to you, to purify you. It is your soul’s request to me that I do this for you. But if you do not want to, I will still love you
“So this was a one-time event that would purify me,” I thought. Isn’t purity of my vital a major step on the way to God-realization, the very thing I had come to the spiritual path for? Besides, I was an advanced soul, one that was ready for such a blessing. And if I didn’t take this opportunity, I may never get another chance in this incarnation. It seemed foolish and unspiritual not to do it.
I took my sari off, feeling self-conscious of my body as he sat and watched through his partially open eyes. When I was naked, he told me to lie down on the bed. He lay on top of me, still wearing his satin kurta and dotti. I could feel only the weight of his body on mine, as he wiggled back and forth mechanically. I was relieved to think that maybe this was the treatment, nothing more. But slowly I started to feel his small erection through his dotti.
Then he took his dotti off and inserted his penis into me. He moved up and down mechanically, as if this was something new to him and he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. From time to time he said,
“This is my union with you. This is my oneness with you. This is my unconditional love for you.” There was absolutely no passion, no kissing, no fondling, no touching—just plain sex.
Finally he came inside me. Then he got up and told me to put my sari back on. While I got dressed, he told me I must never tell anyone about this. Not Alo, not Lavanya, not Ranjana, and not my husband. No one must ever know. He gave me a few hundred dollars, I promised never to tell, and I left the room.
The next day he asked me how I felt. I said that I was confused because I still felt pressure in my groin. “Oh, it is like a hat,” he said. “When you’ve been wearing a hat for a long time, you can still feel the hat on your head even after you take it off.”
I flew back to San Francisco with a powerful secret, one that I believed was momentous in my spiritual life. I was closer than ever to my spiritual father, and I had been purified.
The next time I went to New York, Ghose told me to come to his house for more lessons in purity. I was surprised that my first lesson in Alaska was not to be my only one, as I originally thought. As it turned out, these “blessings” happened several times a year for the next 15 years–every time I came to New York, every time he came to San Francisco, and every time we traveled in small or large groups. The sex was always accompanied by money, amounting to about $10,000 a year. The sex we had in Jamaica was always on the floor, either in his basement or in one of his upstairs studies, never in his bed. He told
me always to use a diaphragm, except when we were traveling to another country where it might be discovered in my luggage when going through customs.
After a few years, I grew tired of the emotionless, mechanical sex, especially because I didn’t feel that it was purifying my vital. Once when I showed resistance to coming to his home in Queens, he threatened never to ask me again and to exclude me from his inner circle. I was afraid of falling from my first-class status so I begged for his forgiveness and ran to his house immediately. He said, “Always show eagerness to please me in this way.” I never again complained to him about having sex with him. I went to him each time, often walking the dangerous streets of Jamaica, Queens in the wee hours of the morning when his security guards were told not to patrol the neighborhood.
For a long time I believed that I was the only one having sex with the guru. It wasn’t until years into my involvement that I began to suspect that Lavanya and Ranjana were having sex with Ghose (something
I never knew for sure) because of the familiar, intimate way they behaved around him. I pushed my suspicions out of my mind.
For a brief time I was flying to Los Angeles once a week to lead public meditations in an effort to start a center there. An ex-disciple started coming to the meetings, and showed interest in rejoining the center. Ghose was very encouraging of her re-entry until the woman mentioned to me that a former well-known disciple had told her that Ghose had had sex with her. When I told Ghose what she had said, he shouted, “Lies!” He told me to call her immediately and tell her that his path was not meant for her, she should never attend another meeting, and that I should never mention her “lie” to anyone. It made me wonder if I really was the only one, but again I pushed the idea out of my mind, not wanting it to be true.
When Ghose got into weight lifting, he became obsessed with measuring his muscles. Along with that came an obsession with the size of his penis (which was smaller than the smallest, to put it in his way of
speaking). He assigned me the task of find a way to increase its size. A magic cream, pill, anything to make it bigger. I secretly read books, articles, and ads about penal enhancement but ultimately found
the bottom line was passion. When I suggested that our sex have passion, he shut his eyes and said, “No, good girl. Keep searching.”
At about this time, Ghose started using another phrase while he had sex with me. In addition to “This is my oneness with you,” he would sometimes say, “I am a brute” as he was pumping me. He told me he learned that from an article he’d read in a magazine down on Jamaica Avenue. (About once a week, he would have a disciple drop him off on Jamaica Avenue where he would shop and then have a cab bring him home. I guess that’s when he browsed the magazine racks.)
I became pregnant twice. The first time he told me to go for an abortion the next day. The cost was $80, which he said he would pay. Alone, I took a cab to the clinic, where I underwent the abortion and then took a cab home. The prescribed antibiotics made me very sick but I couldn’t show anyone, especially my husband, that I was ill for fear that somehow my condition would be discovered. That night I called Ghose in Brazil, where he was on vacation with Ranjana and Lavanya. When I told him what had happened, he said, “The doctors lied to you! You were never pregnant, they just wanted your money.” Then he said he had to get off the phone so Ranjana and Lavanya wouldn’t hear him talking to someone on the phone, and that I shouldn’t call him back. As I hung up the phone, I couldn’t believe that the doctors had lied, I doubted Ghose’s irrational response, and felt abandoned by him, the only person in whom I could confide.
I wanted to stop these relations with him but was afraid to assert myself for fear of angering him. So I went on pretending to be devoted and eager. In 1982, my husband left the center with another woman disciple. No wonder, given that I had become a stranger to him due to my secret affair with our mutual spiritual father.
A few years later, I again got pregnant after an international trip with the guru. He again told me to have an abortion. The night before the procedure, I miscarried and right before my eyes was a tiny fetus about the size of the first joint of my thumb. There was no question that I had been pregnant, no matter what Ghose might say this time. I put the baby on a paper plate and took it with me in the cab to the Emergency Room of San Francisco General Hospital. By the time the doctors saw me, I had completely aborted and they sent me home in the cab, my pants completely soaked with blood. Except for Ghose and the doctors, no one ever knew what had transpired that night until years later.
Another time when Ghose was returning alone from his trip to India, he had a layover in Los Angeles. He called me from India and instructed me to meet him at LAX and to reserve a hotel room for us to go to. I
used my credit card to make the room reservation, and got a flight that was scheduled to arrive 45 minutes before his flight arrived. All went as planned until I got on the tarmac in LA. The plane was delayed for an hour before arriving at the gate. Once off the plane, I rushed the long way to the international terminal and to the gate where Ghose’s plane had already disembarked. He was nowhere to be seen. Knowing his habits, I figured he would be in either a nearby gift shop or restaurant. He wasn’t in the gift shop, so I went to the
restaurant. There I saw my balding guru with his back to me at a counter. As I got closer, I saw that he was ravenously ripping chicken off the bone like an animal. I timidly said, “Guru?” He spun around and said, “They lied to me. They said this wasn’t meat!” I was shocked, not because he was eating meat (after all, in my eyes, he was an incarnation of God), but because he was clearly lying and was filled with guilt. He threw down the meat, jumped up, and said, “Let us go.”
I explained that there wasn’t time to go to the hotel before his flight. “It’s your fault. Why did you get here late? Why didn’t you come on an earlier flight?” he demanded.
“The flight was delayed an hour, out of my control. Now we’ve lost the hotel reservation because it’s too late.” I said.
“If you had used your credit card, we would still have the room,” he accused.
“I did use my credit card, but we don’t have time now.” I said, defending myself against this illogical progression, while thinking that his accusations really seemed to be a defense to my having caught
him with a mouthful of meat.
“This all went wrong because your mind was in the gutter,” he said. I certainly didn’t feel like my consciousness was in the gutter, but what could I say given that he alone had access to the world of
consciousness. I was forced to accept the blame.
He handed me several one hundred dollar bills and rushed onto the plane as soon as the plane started boarding, eager to get away from me. As I returned to San Francisco, I experienced a level of anger and
hurt I had never felt. I knew my days in the center were numbered.
Aside from my sexual dilemma with Ghose, I had serious problems with the politics of the inner circle. I witnessed meanness, coercion, and deception on the part of “first-class” disciples. It became more and
more painful for me to be in Ghose’s house; I often found excuses not to go there when I was invited.
Whenever I indicated I was having doubt or that I wanted to leave the center, Ghose would tell me to come to NY where he would sweeten me up, have sex, and give me special projects to make me feel important.
It usually worked and I would return to San Francisco to hang on for another three or four months. After several of my open attempts at leaving, Ghose saw that the handwriting was on the wall and he started
turning people against me. I was singled out and humiliated in large and small group meetings, disciples were told not to talk to me for more than 10 minutes, he would choose other disciples for special privileges that were previously reserved for me.
I became more determined to get out of the center, and for the last two years of my discipleship, I practiced trickery and deception as I planned my exit. For example, I would lie about having a flat tire so I could avoid attending meditations; I started friendships outside the center; I hired a therapist to get me through the transition; and just before the 1988 April celebration when we were all expected to go to New York, I secretly rented an apartment and, at night, moved all my belonging into it. About five days before my planned exit from the center, a snoopy disciple discovered my empty room and reported it to Ghose. I got a phone call from him that went like this:
“Oi, good girl, you are breaking my heart. You are breaking my heart.”
I cut in, “Stop right there. I don’t believe in you. I don’t believe in what you’re doing. And I don’t want any part of what you’re doing.”
“If you must leave then I will not stop you,” he said. “And I will never say anything bad about you. I will never say anything bad about you. I will tell the disciples to always help you with anything you need. You have my phone number, you can call me. Anything you need I will give you. Money, help, anything. I will never say anything bad about you. And I’m sure you will never say anything bad about me…”
“Look,” I said. “I promise never to say anything bad about you if you promise never to contact me in person, in writing, by phone, or through a disciple. You will leave me alone.”
“Very good,” Ghose said, “I will leave you alone, I will never say anything bad about you, and you will never say anything bad about me.”
“Fine,” I said. “I want to get off the phone now. Good bye.” And I hung up the phone on him. It felt good to have the final word.
A few days later, he broke his promise by having a disciple slip an envelope under my door with a handwritten note from him and $700 in cash. Then a few months later, a disciple called with a message. A few years later, a disciple called to say that Ghose was coming to San Francisco and he wanted to have a private meeting with me in his hotel room. I declined. And from time to time a disciple will still call, claiming that Ghose doesn’t know anything about the call. In such cases, the conversations are polite but brief. Since that handwritten note slipped under my door, I have had no direct contact or financial dealings with Ghose.
It’s been 13 years since I left the center. My work with a therapist revealed that my discipleship with Ghose was a form of incest. As in a typical incestuous relationship, sex was accompanied by money and secrecy. The greatest power he held over me was the secrecy, which I demolished four years after leaving the center by telling my ex-husband about the sex I’d had with the Guru during most of our marriage.
I now have a rewarding life and career. Most importantly, I have never regretted leaving Ghose; I often regret having stayed with him so long
Wozu sind die ganzen Regeln und Einschränkungen im Center wirklich da? Wozu dienen sie?
Kann es sein dass ich blind eine fremde Einstellung angenommen habe? Dass ich in ein System hineingewachsen bin das ich nicht mehr überblicke /nie überprüft habe?
Kann ich noch eigenständig denken oder kommen mir in jeder Situation immer nur Gedanken in den Sinn die Chinmoy mir eingegeben hat,die er will dass wir denken? Vor allem wenn es darum geht ihn zu kritisieren!
Warum wird es gefördert dass man in einem Madal Bal arbeitet und mit einem 2. disciple zusammenwohnt?
Wie abhängig bin ich vom Center gefühlsmässig,emotional und existenzmässig?
Kann ich ohne Center noch existieren? Was wäre wenn ich plötzlich von einem Tag auf den anderen out wäre?
Werde ich gefördert auf meine innere Stimme zu hören oder horche ich nur mehr den Anweisungen von Chinmoy?
Bin ich wirklich glücklich? Oder steigere ich mich nur in etwas hinein?
Klammere ich ans Center/an Guru? Oder bin ich auch offen für andere Meinungen/Erfahrungen…..
Warum muss man so vorsichtig sein wenn man Aussenstehenden vom Center erzählt? Wenn sie sofort alle Regeln erfahren und den Durchblick haben wie es im Center zugeht hätten sie eine ganz schlechte Meinung darüber. Warum muss man sie so lange und so vorsichtig bearbeiten damit sie im Center/ in Guru das Positive sehen? Kann es nicht sein dass sie da nur manipuliert werden und etwas falsches sehen? Genauso wie es mit EUCH gemacht wurde!?
Erfahrungsbericht eines Schülers, der bei Sri Chinmoys Heldentaten etwas nachhalf
I JOINED SRI CHINMOY’S ORGANIZATION IN 1972, AND LEFT IN 1989. I JOINED AT THE AGE OF 20, A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. I WAS AT COLLEGE IN LONDON, AND AT THE TAIL END OF SOME SERIOUS RECREATIONAL DRUG USE. IT WAS ALSO A TIME WHEN EASTERN RELIGIONS WERE THE RAGE, AND IT INTERSECTED CONVENIENTLY WITH MY DESIRE TO MOVE ON TO SOMETHING NEW AND UPLIFTING.
LIKE MANY OF MY PEERS IN THE GROUP, WHAT STARTED OUT AS A REFRESHING EXPERIENCE SOON TURNED INTO A CATCH 22 LIFE, WHERE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF CREATED A MENTAL VORTEX THAT WAS HARD IF NOT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO ESCAPE. ON THE ONE HAND, WE HAD TAKEN A STEP AWAY FROM OUR PREVIOUS LIVES, THAT REQUIRED US TO ACCEPT THAT THE DOUBTING INTELLECT WAS THE PROBLEM, FOR WHICH THE ANSWER WAS TOTAL ACCEPTANCE OF THE ILLOGICAL…. SO THAT IN SPITE OF A NAGGING DISBELIEF IN WHAT WE WERE LED TO BELIEVE. WE COULD ONLY ASSUME THAT THERE WAS SOME INTERNAL LOGIC THAT WE COULD AND WOULD SOON GRASP.
I SPENT FROM 1972 TO 1983 IN ENGLAND, AND I THEN CAME TO THE UNITED STATES AT THAT TIME I STARTED TO BE ASKED BY CHINMOY TO DO VARIOUS ART PROJECTS MOSTLY DECORATIVE..IN SERVICE OF HIS VARIOUS ENTERTAINMENTS. BUT WHEN IN ABOUT 1985 HE STARTED LIFTING WEIGHTS, HE DECIDED TO USE PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIMSELF DOING `SUPERHUMAN FEATS’ OF STRENGTH, AS YET ANOTHER VECTOR OF HIS DRIVE FOR PUBLICITY, FOR WHICH HE HAD AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. IF HE DID NOT SUCCEED IN LIFTING THESE RECORD AMOUNTS OF WEIGHT, IT WAS NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING, INDEED HE DID LEGITIMATELY SUPPORT FAIRLY IMPRESSIVE AMOUNTS OF WEIGHT FOR A MAN OF HIS AGE; HE WOULD STRUGGLE, FOR EXAMPLE, WITH TWO HANDS TO GET A 100 POUND DUMBELL ABOVE HIS HEAD, AND THEN HOLD IT BRIEFLY ALOFT WITH ONE HAND. SOON I WAS ASKED TO COME TO HIS HOUSE, WHERE HE WOULD INDICATE FOR ME TO DRAW CLOSER TO HIM…`Good Boy’ HE WOULD SAY( I AM PARAPHRASING HERE) ,` IS IT NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE THIS THIS LITTLE PIECE OF THE MACHINE LOWER? YOU CAN SEE IT IS ALREADY LIFTED….BUT FOR THE PRESS?………….SO THAT THEY CAN SEE CLEARLY???’….
WELL, HE STARTED ASKING ME TO DOCTOR THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF HIS LIFTS MORE AND MORE TO MAKE IT APPEAR AS THOUGH HE HAD LIFTED HIGHER AND MORE IMPRESSIVELY THAN HE ACTUALLY HAD. BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THE WEIGHTS HE WAS TRYING TO LIFT WITH ONE ARM BEGAN TO GET PROGRESSIVELY MORE UNREALISTIC.. AND INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY, I WOULD HAVE TO AIRBRUSH IN.. OR OUT, BITS OF APPERATUS AND ADD SHADOWS WHERE THERE WERE NONE, GIVING THE ILLUSION OF A LIFT
EVENTUALLY I WOULD WORK MORE AND MORE CLOSELY WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHERS….UNTIL I BECAME, MYSELF, ONE OF SEVERAL PHOTOGRAPHERS. AS THE WEIGHTS INCREASED I NO LONGER HAD TO AIRBRUSH. AS PHOTOGRAPHERS WE LEARNED HOW TO MAKE IT LOOK AS IF WEIGHTS HAD BEEN LIFTED. WE WOULD SHOOT FROM A LOW VANTAGE POINT SO AS TO MAKE IT LOOK AS THOUGH THE WEIGHTS HAD BEEN SLIGHTLY ROLLED UP THE BEND ON WHICH THE WEIGHT WAS CRADLED.
NOW THE STORY OF THE 7,OOO POUND LIFT THAT NEVER WAS…… AND THE TURNING POINT FOR ME.. NO MORE DENIAL. THAT DAY, ( I CANT REMEMBER IF IT WAS DAY OR NIGHT?), ABOUT 15 PEOPLE WERE SUMMONED TO HIS HOUSE. INCLUDING A HANDFUL OF PHOTOGRAPHERS. ON THIS OCCASION I WAS JUST A WITNESS AND NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER. THE APPARATUS, A METAL FRAME WITH TWO U-BENDS CRADLING THE WEIGHT AT SHOULDER HEIGHT STOOD THERE. THE BUILDERS OF THIS WELDED MONSTER WERE SCURRYING AROUND CHECKING THE FLOOR FROM THE BASEMENT WHICH HAD BEEN REINFORCED WITH STANDING METAL BEAMS.
BARE IN MIND NOW THAT SRI CHINMOY HAD SAID ON AT LEAST ONE OCCASION, THAT HIS FEATS OF STRENGTH ON EARTH WERE AS NOTHING COMPARED WITH WHAT HE WAS DOING IN THE INNER WORLD….
SO SRI CHINMOY STOOD UP, WALKED AROUND THE WEIGHT, ROLLED HIS EYES IN MEDITATIVE REVERIE….THEN TOOK HIS GRIP ON THE BAR. HE CRIED OUT, HIS FACE TURNED RED.. ALL THE DRAMA OF GENUINE EFFORT, EXCEPT THAT THE WEIGHT DID NOT BUDGE, DID NOT EVEN TREMBLE, IT WAS AS IMMOVEABLE AS EXCALIBER.
SHORTLY WE WERE WATCHING THE VIDEO TAPE. SRI CHINMOY WAS THRILLED…..AS HE PLAYED IT AT THE APPROPRIATE MOMENT, HE GLEEFULLY SHOUTED “THERE! DID YOU SEE?!’. CAME A DEAFENING SILENCE, AND THE TAPE WAS REPLAYED. `LOOK! DID YOU SEE?!’ THIS TIME RANJANA AND A FEW OTHER OF THE GIRLS, POSSIBLY A FEW BOYS TOO, ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREED, YES, THERE HAD BEEN A LIFT. THEN THE VIDEO TAPE WAS PLAYED AGAIN AND A FEW MORE PEOPLE WERE WON OVER. THEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. EVENTUALLY SRI CHINMOY WAS REDUCED TO ACTUALLY EYEBALLING INDIVIDUALS, ALL BUT PLEADING FOR THEM TO COME ACROSS. IT WAS ACTUALLY QUITE SWEET/PATHETIC. TALK ABOUT RETAIL POLITICS!
THIS ACCOUNT CAN BE SUBSTANTIATED BY ANY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE…YOGALOY, A YOUNG MAN FROM CALIFORNIA WHO LEFT SOON AFTER ME WAS THERE.
ANYWAY, IT WAS NOT LONG AFTER THAT I TOLD HIM I WAS LEAVING, HE ASKED ME TO GIVE HIM A MONTH IN ORDER TO TRY TO PERSUADE ME TO STAY….TO LEAVE WAS THE SAME AS SUICIDE HE TOLD ME. THERE FOLLOWED A MONTH OF FLATTERING ATTENTION.. TENNIS WITH THE MASTER EVERY MORNING, INVITATIONS TO ALL THE HOTTEST EVENTS. THE MASTERS CHARM AND SWEETEST PERSUASION. TO NO AVAIL THOUGH, I WANTED TO ROMANCE THE BEAST – REAL LIFE!